This I Believe

I am huge fan of the This I Believe website and the stories on it. I think it is so powerful to have a platform to share yourself and what you stand for, where that comes from. It’s how we relate to each other: through our core understanding of what draws us together and how we can support each other in our beliefs.

For one of my leadership programs, I asked them to create a belief statement based on the This I Believe idea. Not a whole essay, but just how they would begin it. These are the statements they came up with. I wanted to share them because I find them inspiring. These are graduating college students ready to go out and make a difference in the world. I, for one, am so thankful they are well on their way:

“I believe that everybody deserves to be happy and we are never in a position to judge their happiness.”

“I believe in loving all with selfless and humble actions.”

“I believe in the possibility of people coexisting peacefully.”

“I believe that being part of something bigger than ourselves gives our lives purpose and meaning.”

“I believe that we humans have a purpose. I believe that everyday is a new day and should be approached with intention, optimism, and compassion. I believe that we make our own path and create our own opportunity.”

“I believe that by being selfless, we can achieve compassion, generosity, and awareness of one another. We can make a difference.”

“I believe in sharing is caring. Splitting a meal with people–family style–fills stomachs with food and hearts with love and joy.”

“I believe that community can form anywhere, at any time, as long as there is a sense of purpose and compassion underlying the surface.”

“I believe in giving thanks.”

“I believe in the essence of fire hydrants. Fire hydrants are people. I believe in the equality of all people.”

“I believe that it takes only one person to make a difference in the world. These differences come in the form of personal interaction, and that one can indirectly effect thousands of people through a ripple effect as your attitudes, values, and ideas are spread throughout the world.”

“I believe in the full capacity of others to surprise you with the merit of their ideas.”

Ahhhh…kinda comforting, isn’t it? Our world is in good hands.

3 Years

On this day three years ago, I got the call that I had been admitted to a treatment center and should get myself there as soon as possible. Being it was just across town, I thought I could drive myself there and took off. Scared, ashamed, and feeling like my life was over having admitted my problem with alcohol, I started to get short of breathe on the highway. I ended up pulling off after swerving all over the road from being light headed, barely able to breathe. I thought I was dying; I was having a panic attack. My friend Larisa needed to come and get me and drive me the rest of the way there. I arrived lonely, afraid, certain of a life of doom and gloom being labeled as a drunk.

It is now 3 years sober years later, and I am filled with emotion today as I reflect on this journey that started with a panic attack. Today, I sit poolside at my hostel in Brazil. Life certainly didn’t end that day in 2009. In fact, in many ways it was just beginning.

How do you measure your recovery? What is the best way to gauge how you know if you’re doing “well”? Because, let’s be honest, there is a lot in the past three years that has been painful, anxiety ridden, and uncomfortable in ways I’ve never experienced. So we can’t measure success by the fact that those things go away. My outsides haven’t changed much: I have the same home, car, clothes, job…”stuff” I’ve had for awhile. So I don’t think that’s it either.

I think I know I’ve been successful because it’s actually happened. One day at a time for three years it has happened. The only thing I’ve done 100% successfully the past three years is not use. And how did I do that? The same way everyone else I know does it. I’ve gone to meetings. I have a sponsor. I sponsor others. I have worked the steps and put them into practice in different areas of my life. I am here because I followed the example of others.

In doing so I have gone deeper into myself than I ever have before. I have taken a look at me and my relationship to the world that was impossible before. And I’ve learned some things about myself that are difficult to accept, but I try to accept them: I am self centered. I have a propensity to think of myself first and others second. I am often afraid. And just when I think I’m over fear it pops up in my life again in ways I can’t seem to control. I know that I tend to be very hard on myself, and I can become very catastrophic in my imagination about what will happen in certain situations. I know that I have a tendency to want to hide from the world and not share my feelings out of fear of rejection and hurt.

Now for the good part: by learning about and exposing these patterns in my life to the light, they are beginning to fade away. I am able to act in ways now where I am not paying any attention to them when I make decisions about my life, my actions, and my relationships.

In doing so, I have found the beauty of love. Love in my partner, my friends and family, my surroundings. I understand how having an open heart despite the pain and the fear can reap amazing rewards. Rewards that encompass the notion of being connected to the world around me. Of empathy, caring, and compassion. I understand that having an open heart allows me to view the world through a lens of concern for others, of a desire to do good, be of service, and show up for my part in my daily affairs.

I have learned the amazing power of forgiveness. To let go of the past, to move beyond the things I can’t change and have no control over. To allow people to be who they are, exactly as they are and love them through all of it. And to do the same for myself. For a long time and in different ways I have felt shame around some of my actions and aspects of who I am, but I work diligently to forgive myself too. To understand and accept that I am a human being just like everyone else who loves and laughs, makes mistakes, indulges, takes risks, overdoes things, musters courage, and in general does the best I can with what I have. I try to remove “should” and “ought” from my vocabulary. Who I am right now where I am right now is enough to live my day with purpose and dignity for others, the world I live in, and myself. And every day is different, my capacities change, but I persevere anyway. Perseverance is one of my new favorite words.

And, most importantly, I believe in God. Great, loving, omniscient god. My vision is limited–heck, it even requires corrective lenses–but God’s isn’t. My God does–and has always been doing–things for me that I cannot do for myself. I have learned to find great comfort and power in the fact that my life is spiritually guided. Even if nothing makes sense to me or there is a lot of pain or discomfort, I am taken care of. I have spiritual guardians. Now, I don’t always remember this, but God never forgets.

So, three years clean and sober, this is where I am at today. All of the above is maybe a little kumbaya-esque, but that’s ok because today I am proud of myself and so thankful for the life I get to lead and the people in it: my family, my boyfriend, my friends, students, work–all of them. Sure, I don’t live up to any of these statements 100% of the time (some probably not even 50% of the time), but–one day at a time– sober, I get to get out of bed, try again, forgive again, call upon God again, and keep moving in this world. One step at a time.

Just Be

Sometimes, I think one of my biggest challenges is to let go of the reins and just be. Immerse in the moment and enjoy what is given to me. Right here and right now.

For the past few days, I have been helping the students with their service project here in brazil: painting three houses that have been built by a local non profit for underprivileged families. The Inside, the outside, the doors, the window frames. All of them.

I approached the first day completely out of my comfort zone. First, I am not a painter. Sure, I have painted before, but not in the sense of it being my one and only job for a few days. I put a lot of expectations on myself to do this quickly, perfectly, and astutely. Well, needless to say, it wasn’t any of the above. And it was hard work. On top of that, our guides are not native English speakers and a few don’t speak any at all. Staining a door, being talked in portuguese in a manner where I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right or wrong, and I got stressed out.

In life, in general, and especially in another culture that is new and surprisingly different from what I’m used to, it is a constant practice to let go completely and just enter a situation with no expectations and without me writing the guidebook. But that is just what has been necessary for me to immerse in the past few days in a way that is meaningful and enjoyable.

And, it is a practice for sure! Over the past few days, I have been reminded on many occasions that I enjoy the world around me much more when I keep my expectations off of it. Time and time again, I learn the lesson that life flows much smoother and in a way that is healthier, freer, and more beneficial to me and others when I turn over the results to, well, god. To a source of strength and guidance that understands the world in ways that I don’t comprehend.

This is especially true in another country! And especially especially true when trying to be of service in another country! So I can’t speak the language: time to get over it. One of our painter mentors, Carlos, doesn’t speak a word of English, but by day 3 with him we can joke and have fun. Mostly through charades. Which in itself is usually pretty funny anyhow.

And I am far away from home during a week when quite honestly it is difficult to be so far away. There’s a lot happening in life right now and it is all good. All good. But the distance and the unfamiliarity with my surroundings makes it very clear that there is only so much I can do about life back home right now. Eric and I have had the chance to chat a lot since I’ve been here and that has been helpful, so helpful, to assist in feeling great about the direction my life and relationships are heading right now. I love that man.

So, I don’t think the goal of this week is to be comfortable with any of it, but instead to lean into it fully and just be with life as it is right now. Because its great. It’s unfamiliar, and it’s out of my comfort zone (which is, by definition, uncomfortable…imagine that) but I have many gifts I’ve been given, and I can see these things as gifts when I remember to sit back and just be with them as they are. No expectations, no interpretations or misinterpretations, just trust that what is happening today is exactly the right thing. Life is a gift, and it’s time to give into the present.

Great Distances

Having spent the last 24 hours traveling, I’ve put a lot of thought into the meaning of great distances. How far are we willing to go for something wonderful? For something meaningful? For something we wouldn’t otherwise ever experience or see? It’s come up in 2 ways, 1 of them a very big way, for me this week.

I’m writing this to you from my hostel room in Piracicaba, Brazil. Piracicaba is a town of about 200,000 a few hours car ride away from Sao Paulo. I’m here with 5 students, and
–starting Monday–we will be working with an organization that builds houses for those living in the poorer areas of the city. We will be painting them bright and colorful, adding some pretty to a family’s home. We will also be taking some dance classes, cooking, learning portuguese, and then will spend the last few days on one of the most popular beaches for locals in the area back near Sao Paulo.

I absolutely love traveling and love visiting new cultures. All of my senses are heightened in a new culture: the smells, the tastes, the sounds. It makes me feel very alive and very connected to my world and to God. I love meeting new people in different parts of the world and hearing about their lives. I spent the evening with our host Marisa and her husband Carlos, seeing their home and sharing a meal with them. We talked about the education system in brazil, local economy, and sillier stuff, too. Now, I am back at my hostel, unwinding while the students are out exploring. The Brazilian version of Funniest Home Videos is on in the background, and apparently hits to the groin and cats falling off of their perches are funny in any culture and language.

It was a bitch to get here: 3 flights, overnight travel across the ocean, stop and go traffic in a car to Piracicaba when I didn’t think my ass could take anymore sitting, but it was so worth it. It’s amazing really that in 24 hours you can be in a completely different part of the world experiencing things you didn’t even think you could imagine. Just sit back, pay attention to the itinerary, weather any unforeseen delays or hassles (we may have lost a student for a while today….but we found him) and before you know it you’ll be experiencing something great you wouldnt have otherwise had the opportunity to if you didn’t endure the distance.

Jeez this is such a good metaphor for my life right now. This blog has been, at times, a declaration of my journey through my breakup with Eric and the pain and journeying for my own life that that brought me. It was tough, I have learned a lot; in fact, in many ways I am different person today because of that journey.

Well, those distances traveled were worth the endurance because it has brought Eric and I back together. This may seem like a really public way of talking about this, but I checked with Eric and he’s ok with it. And, frankly, I would love for the world to know that the man that I love and have learned just how much so through difficult times and I have found our way back to each other again. I didn’t expect it, I had let go of it, but it’s like a dream come true. It overwhelms me at points, and it seems surreal a good chunk of the time, but great distances bring with them some aspects of culture shock don’t they?

Just like the journey to brazil, the entire journey I’ve been on the past several months is exactly what it took to get Eric and I to this place. I had to learn some of the things I learned (e.g. Let go and trust the process, don’t manipulate the way the world works, let the universe take over, love yourself to love others), I had to let go of some of the things I let go of (e.g. Bye fear and self-judgement!!) and persevere the ride to be with the one I am meant to be with.

Perhaps that sounds sappy and utopian, but I don’t really care. I have extreme amounts of gratitude for my place (both physically and metaphorically) in the world right now, and I am going to enjoy ever minute of what my journey has brought me to today. The lessons learned are still the same: turn over to god the things I can’t control, trust the process, and experience the world with my eyes forward and my heart open.

So, Eric (and Brazil), here we go! The distances traveled were worth the fruits of the journey. XOXO

no More, no Different

Sorry for the lack of blog posts. My life has been pretty busy lately with teaching, planning a Spring Break service trip to Brazil (more to come on that in future posts I’m sure), and other aspects of life. But I feel like writing tonight and have been thinking a lot…never a good sign for me. It’s just best to get it out.

One thing I have learned about myself since I got sober is that alcohol isn’t actually the root of my addiction issues. In essence, I am addicted to more and I am addicted to different. Over the course of my entire life, most of my uncomfortability, dissatisfaction, and general uneasiness has come from the fact that I have believed that what I have isn’t enough. That something needs to change, or that I need more of something to be ok. I can recognize this pattern in my life before I ever started drinking. But, once alcohol was in the picture, that became the focus: if I just drank more, I would feel different, I would be different, I would act different.

With alcohol out of the picture, these feels of uncomfortability don’t go away on their own. I still can get caught up in other ways of needing more or needing different. I need to gain more weight. I need more money. I need a different car. I need a different house. I need certain relationships to change: more of this one, none of that one, a shift in the other one. Etc etc etc. This kind of thinking can get so tiring, but it is so easy for me to slip into these habits.

This has happened for me the past few weeks. I have gotten very caught up in my difficult emotions and feelings that I’ve been experiencing and, in essence, am looking for things to change outside of myself for everything to be ok. The danger is that this leads to the thought that for me to be able to move forward things need to change. I need more of something or different of something essentially to live.

Well, the simply fact is that it isn’t true. In my search for serenity and contentment, success comes when my focus is on enjoying life as it is; internalizing the belief that everything I have, how I feel, what’s in front of me, is exactly what I need. Exactly.

Because here’s the thing: I have been so caught up for a while now in the few things that I DON’T have in my life and thinking that I need these things to be fine, that I have become so ungrateful to the great things that I do have in my life because, to be honest, I am very lucky and been given an abundance of gifts and blessings: my family is amazing, my friends are amazing, my job is amazing (Brazil? Hello! I’ve even proven to be ungrateful about this lately…somebody slap me). I have sobriety. I have resources and tools to help me maintain a healthy life. I have a spiritual relationship like I’ve never had before.

Each of these things appears in every single one of my days. Every. Single. One. That’s amazing. But my addict mind can get so focused on needing more and needing different that I miss the amazing presence of, well, life in my life.

So I guess, in essence, I’m kind of telling on myself right now. It is time to turn a corner on some of my own negative thinking and move past it. I have a new motto I’ve been trying out the past few days when I find myself getting caught up in the same old fear, doubt, hurt, and worry: eyes forward, heart open. Believe it or not, it actually helps when I say this to myself.

So, for today, let’s celebrate what he have and give it our full attention. What we don’t have doesn’t mean anything anyway. It’s not for us. We are enough exactly as we are.

The People in Your Life

Don’t you love it when you have “a ha” moments? Little bursts of realization in your day when something suddenly makes more sense and you feel a little more appreciative? Let me share.

I was at a meeting tonight where we were reading a story about an alcoholic’s journey through alcoholism and into recovery. For the writer, an integral part of her story was meeting a man who was a recovering alcoholic at just the point in her life when she needed to. Someone who, in a sense, was able to wake her up a little bit and realize that there was a different possibility than the life she was leading.

It didn’t occur to me til reading this story that the exact same thing pretty much happened to me. In January of 2008, I was at the height of being beat down and beat up from drinking but I refused to see it and I was in complete denial with myself and others about what was going on. That same January, I met a woman named Anna at Chipotle. Anna was to be my new co-instructor for a class I was teaching. It was our opportunity to just get to know each other and get the class ready to go.

Anna is a larger-than-life figure and I knew this about her before meeting her. Bubbly, frickin’ smart, strong and, frankly, very very intimidating. As we were talking, I remember being struck by how at ease she was and how open she was being with me. It was at this lunch at Chipotle that Anna told me about a weekend she would be gone and would miss class. She explained to me that she would be gone because she was to be the main speaker at an Alcoholics Anonymous convention. She had been sober for years and this was part of her life and her service work to AA.

I remember very clearly thinking, “you could tell her.” At the time, I’m not sure I even knew what that meant, but I knew that suddenly something that was a deep and dark secret inside of me I was actually considering telling her about.

2 months later, I did get sober. And I still am sober. But I never before tonight saw the connection to Anna, but–with hindsight as a gift–I can see it so clearly. Someone was put in my life, someone who I admired greatly from the get go, who essentially laid out for me that she was like me. That it was ok to tell the truth. It was ok to be honest and be me.

I’ve never thanked Anna for being a supportive friend (she continued to be once I got sober) and knowing guide on this sobriety journey. She moved to Chicago shortly after we finished our semester and I’ve only seen her once since. But I decided to call her up tonight after finishing up dinner after the meeting and tell her about the story and tell her what I remembered and what it means to me now. Thankfully, she answered, and we were able to chat and share in each others’ lives for a brief few minutes.

Once we hung up, I realized I was calling her from the same Chipotle we had met in.

The people in your life. Where do they come from? Why are they there? Sometimes it may seem one way and then it turns out they give you something you never ever could have expected. An invitation, a gift, a trait, whatever. Maybe many, many of these things.

Tonight, it makes me feel taken care of. I believe strongly that I am watched over and guided in ways I don’t understand, and I see Anna today as a powerful example. And, I recognize that there are many people that have been brought into my life that give me such great gifts, great joy, great learning. Even if they have left for whatever reason, there is something very powerful in what we can contribute to each other without even know we’re doing it.

I’m not sure this is any kind of revelation. Just a moment of reflection and gratitude for the power of Ubuntu: the phrase that I learned in South Africa which, roughly translated, means “I am because we are.” So so true.

I Hate Cancer: A Redemption

Since October, I’ve tried to make an effort to stop by at least once a week to see Wade and family. It had been two weeks since I’d seen them when I stopped by to visit them over at the Ronald McDonald House today. It was such a glorious way to spend the afternoon. For the first time since I met Wade back in October, he didn’t look like a sick boy who is battling cancer. He looked much more like a 2-going-on-3 year old who was doing what other boys his age do: play with trains, giggle, be silly, watch The Wiggles, babble, etc. I learned today that there is no sight happier than a sick child who is getting better.

Make no mistake: Wade’s cancer journey is not over. There are doctors to be seen, MRIs to be had, and they are still 8 and a half hours away from home. He still needs some good vibes and prayers for continued healing and good health. He’s still on a journey that I’m sure makes his parents hold their breathe a little bit (at least that’s what it does to me). But I couldn’t help but feel a little bit of redemption for Wade and his parents today.

I think little Wade can teach us all a few lessons. This boy has been through so much in his little body and I can’t even imagine as a two year old what it is like to be poked and prodded and tested and tested and tested on so many levels for months on end. But today–TODAY–he seemed happy. Cancer or no cancer. He seemed happy.

I know that not every cancer story ends happily or sees bright spots. I’ve felt the tragedy myself. And I know a lot of us had. Maybe that’s why this seems so redeeming today, too.

I think I learned another lesson from Wade today, too. Regardless of what is going on inside your body and you’re not sure what they next day will bring, laugh and enjoy what you can to the best of your ability. In fact, I think that is where the redemption comes in: We can have peace in our hearts regardless of what is happening in the world around us or elsewhere in our bodies. Cancer isn’t welcomed into any one’s body. No way. But there’s still Wiggles to be watched and pictures to be colored.

Of course, I see the symbolism in this too. Cancer is kind of the great symbol for those things that plague us, isn’t it? Those nasty, no good, get the fuck away from me, kinds of ideas, patterns, behaviors, illnesses that seem to pervade our lives. If we let them, these things eat away at us. They keep us down. And it can be so hard–SO HARD–to look past them and see what else is right in front of us or what else exists inside of us that is beautiful, healthy, and bright.

It also makes me think of addiction. No one is ever cured of addiction. It’s always there. But with the right tools, the right help, and the belief in something better, many addicts live extraordinary lives not buried underneath the weight of their own type of disease. I try on a daily basis to learn to live a happy, peaceful life regardless of my addict status. Some days are better than others that’s for damn sure. But I know and believe in my heart that I have the ability to choose my own happiness regardless of what any diseases in my body think about it.

In fact, there more I think about this, I’m not sure redemption is the right word. Redemption implies the paying off of a debt. And we don’t owe these kinds of nasty things anything. Anything at all.

So, cancer, or whatever other form you might take, you may decide to stick around, you may be defeated, you may win, you may begrudgingly disappear for a while and then return. No matter what you decide to do, for today we choose to laugh. We choose to be silly. We choose to watch the Wiggles, play with trains, and giggle. Regardless of what you think of it.

 

To Dance

Because I was so moved and felt so much motivation and growth from my retreat a few weeks back, I decided to do a one-on-one session with the woman who ran it. I don’t know what to call her…life coach? Spiritual guru? Hearer of things I can’t hear? All seem appropriate.

On Sunday, at the beginning of the session, she explained how she operates: we closed our eyes, and she called “others” into the room. Those others included her higher self, my higher self (I interpret this as our full embodied selves…the version that is truly within us but may be blocked by certain things happening in our mind and body), as well as other useful spirits. I don’t remember who…I don’t always get the details so well. She then explained that in doing so, she can hear messages from my higher self about me. Messages I might be blocked from or not able to hear. These then would become the basis for our time together and our work.

I know what some of you may be thinking, and I was thinking the same thing: say what? My initial reaction was skepticism…just like at the retreat. But, at the retreat, I was proven wrong, so I opened my mind, took a deep breathe, closed my eyes, and let her go to work.

After a few minutes of silence and a few prayers/chants, she said that she heard a message about dance. Did I used to be a dancer? Am I a dancer now? Do I want to be a dancer?

Um…no. That was pretty much my response. I have never been a dancer (not really even the sway on the dance floor, bite your upper lip, white boy dancing that lots of people do), and it hasn’t fallen into my scheme of ideas I’ve had for moving forward.

So we kind of brushed it off and moved on from there. We started talking somehow about childhood and messages I got as a child. I talked about knowing very early on that I was gay, that I got the message very early on that how I felt and thought about other guys was labeled as crazy and wrong, that wanting to play with My Little Ponys more than GI Joe was bad, etc. We then talked about how this message has manifested itself since childhood. We talked about this a lot, but to sum it up the message has basically been manifested in me becoming closed up in different ways. Not feeling like I can allow my true full self to shine because I received this message early on from those around me and from society that what I authentically thought and felt was wrong.

I explained to her how at the retreat this came up, as well, in messages around weakness with the same desired outcome: to just be. To just be me as I am, out loud, in color, at full volume. Then, I literally said–without remembering what we had talked about earlier–”I’ve always felt kind of like a wallflower and I’d really like to get out there and not be afraid to dance.”

Huh. So apparently I do want to be a dancer.

There’s so many songs that use the dance metaphor, some to nauseating means: Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance”, Garth Brooks’ “The Dance”, Leeanne Womack’s “I Hope You Dance”. And none of them, I think, are really talking about literally dancing. But they sure do get the message across of shaking yourself up, moving your feet, opening your arms wide, getting sweaty and tired, laughing, touching, etc etc.

Additionally, going dancing has come up no less than 5 times this week by people who would have no knowledge of my chat on Sunday. Okay, universe, I get the message: it’s time to dance.

And, you know what? I’m ready. No more wallflowers here. The past few months were a little on the painful side, but they have left me with a new sense of strength and tons of knowledge about my own growth and I am ready to move on it. Open my arms wide, get my feet moving, time to get going. And this past week was great! My life seems fuller, the circle of it a little larger. New activities, new people, taking a few risks, opening my heart up a little bit more.

I know I’m probably not the only one who becomes a wallflower when there’s no need to be, when no one is making us stand against the wall other than ourselves. So let’s give ourselves some permission to get out and put these inspiring–if somewhat tired–metaphors about dancing to good use!

I just did the dishes while shaking my hips a little bit more than normal while listening to Madonna. I consider that a good start.

Change and Growth

Change and growth. Wow those are loaded words aren’t they? But that is what I found myself thinking about yesterday.

I attended a wedding last night of a former student of mine who has become a friend since she graduated. To be completely honest, I am not a fan of weddings. And given some of my recent heartbreak and resulting hot mess status, I was hesitant to go. But it was beautiful. The wedding itself did cause some upheaval in my own emotions and self pity (“everyone here is with someone.” “Why am I alone?” etc etc….that old shit), but what I was really struck by was the bride. Looking at her face, watching her beam, it was like an image of honest and pure happiness. She was a gorgeous sight.

Here was someone that I once knew as a student, learning life the way any college student does with ups and downs, emotional upheaval, failure and success, personifying, to me, an exquisite picture of growth. Someone who discovered for herself what she wants in life and made it her own. And I don’t just mean the husband. It’s something more than that. You can feel it radiating off of her. Does that make sense?

Earlier in the day, I had facilitated a retreat for a group of graduating seniors I work with. This is a group of too notch students. Basically 12 “big man/woman on campus” types in one room. They are all getting ready to graduate and they are on the precipice of a time of amazing change and growth in their lives. You can feel it radiating from them too in a different, but just as beautiful, way: anticipation, nerves, excitement, hesitancy, curiosity, yearning.

On one side of the day: a bride. On the other side: graduating college students. Two very stunning and vibrant examples of growth and change.

The observation of the day, of course, led me to think of growth and change on a personal level. I’m not a bride, and I’m not a 21 year old in my last semester of college, so the external messages around how life is changing aren’t quite as written in stone. But the energy of their situations rubbed off on me.

The truth is that we are all always growing and changing. Duh. Of course we are. But with what kind of intentionality? It’s easy to be intentional when at such a turning point in life. I’m not really at a turning point though: I’m just trying to live life. But it doesn’t have to be any less intentional.

I believe that I am thoughtful about my path. That I have made steps, especially lately, to work diligently on making life what I want it to be. To enjoy my journey even if it brings up some bruises and emotional scars. To embrace what possibilities there are even if I don’t understand them or want to sometimes cling on to the past more than is healthy to do so.

The point is that we don’t need to be beaming brides or motivated soon-to-be graduates to embrace and embody the promise that our life holds. Let the assets shine, brave the uncertainty, love the fear and let it go, trust that the future holds promise, and enjoy the ride.

This is the message I hope to carry with me through today. And regenerate it in the days to come.

I think of Dolly Parton…

How do you keep your heart open? This is a question I’ve been asking myself all week. I had this amazing experience last week; well, let’s call it what it is: I had this amazing SPIRITUAL experience last weekend. And I find myself this week caught up in not wanting to lose it. I’m almost desperate about it at times. That’s how I’m feeling at the moment. And that’s why I’m writing.

As I mentioned the overarching action which I felt this past weekend that changed a lot of my mood, perspective, thoughts, and feelings is the sensation of feeling my heart open. I don’t know how to explain it other than that in very good language. It’s the warmth I mentioned, it’s the release of virtual waste from my body, it’s the invocation of a spirit into my life. To say it in short: it felt great.

This week has been a good week for me. I’ve felt better than I have in months. I feel lighter. I feel happier. I feel more free. But, at the same time, I have found myself caught up in this internal barometer check of how those feelings measure up at any given time to what they were at any other given time during the week. How light am I NOW? Is that different than before? How? Is that better or worse?

I’ve taken some of the tools from the weekend and tried to use them. The language I’ve used when I pray has been different. I talk a lot to god about bringing peace, joy, and love to world. And bring peace, joy, and love to me. I think about shining and being bright. I smile. I laugh.I literally have tried to open my chest more to expose my heart: shoulders back, spine straight, deep breathes. Physically keeping my heart more open. I remember my guardian is with me.

Something just occurred to me: this getting caught up in not wanting to lose my open heart is all fear-related. Damn you, fear! You’re a sneaky bastard that weasels your way back in without being invited and certainly without being welcomed. I am afraid that what occurred is 3 fleeting days of floating that will be replaced by sinking.

So, fear–petty, self-centered, happy-to-be-miserable fear–here’s what I have to say to you: I have life rafts now. In fact, I always had them. I just didn’t know where they were before. I cannot sink. It’s impossible. There is too much around me that is good and healthy and true to go back. The world looks different now. That beautiful picture of freedom and beauty that I saw, well, I still see it. And it’s not going to go away. So, fear, you still suck. And, fear, I don’t have to listen to you anymore. I know that now. So, go on your not-so-merry way. Sure, I know you’ll probably still be sneaky, but love, joy and, peace will beat you every. single. time.

(Did I just write a whole paragraph to fear? I guess so. I don’t mind. I feel better.)

Something that I find particularly helpful when needing a boost and a dose of some good old-fashioned inspiration are the women of country music. Like Martina McBride’s “Happy Girl”, Jo Dee Messina’s “I’m Alright”, and–one of my all time favorites: Dolly Parton’s “Better Get to Livin’”. The video is a little kooky, but the message is great:

“I said you’d better get to livin’, givin’

Be willing and forgivin’

Cause all healing has to start with you

You better stop whining, pining

Get your dreams in line And then just shine, design, refine

Until they come true

And you better get to livin’.”

You got it, Dolly. I’m on it.